I was reading a thread on FetLife a few days ago about red flags. The poster asked what signs do you look for when you are getting to know someone and what would make you leery of someone. I have to insert a disclaimer here that most of my experience has been online, but I think the lessons I have learned apply to real life interactions as well.
The first time my spider sense tingled was when I had been in an online relationship for a long time, and he wouldn’t talk to me on Skype. I was new to my submissiveness, so I ignored my feelings, thinking I had to obey him completely. It turned out that this man was lying to me about many things, including the fact that he was married. Lesson learned: If it seems like he’s hiding something, he probably is.
The second time, a man and I started chatting, and he asked me to send him a picture. No big deal. Then he asked me to write him a short essay. Again, no big deal. I like to write. Then he asked me to take a picture of myself, nude and in nadu. BIG DEAL!!! I had only known this man for about a month, and he wasn’t making any effort to get to know the real me. A friend of mine said this guy seemed to be acting like a predator, because the things he was asking me to do kept getting bigger and more personal. My friend said this guy was probably seeing what he could get me to do for him. Lesson learned: If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, examine why.
Then there was another long term relationship I was in, and when it was just me and him, things were great. He was harsh with me, kept me on my toes, and expected a lot from me. The problem came whenever his other girl came around. He turned into a simpering subby, saying and doing things to placate her. Lesson learned: When you are interested in someone, watch how they act around others.
Following that, I went through a series of very short relationships. In one, the guy didn’t want to collar me in SL because he said it would distract him from work, but then he collared two other girls. Another guy would tell me beautiful things and tell me that he wanted to marry me, but then he’d mysteriously crash or otherwise disappear for hours at a time. Lesson learned: Do their actions match the pretty words they are saying/typing?
This is more specific to things I have gone through in relationships, but maybe it applies for you as well. I have a really hard time trusting someone if they continually promise me things that they fail to deliver. I don’t mean silly, nonsensical romance things like “I want to give you the sun and the moon.” I mean if they promise to do something you need them to do, and they don’t do it, it says something. It could be that the person is forgetful, but for me, I expect someone I’m in a relationship with to know himself well enough to know what his personal faults are. If he routinely forgets, he needs to set up reminders or otherwise not make promises.
And I guess this kinda leads to my personal HUGE RED FLAG, if someone is trying to be my Master and is telling me how to lose weight, while he himself is overweight and out of shape…. boo!!!! If he’s telling me I need to get off the computer more, while he spends ALL of his free time playing WoW…. boo!!! Before you try to master me, be your own master.
These are the ones I was able to think of off the top of my head.. I’m sure I’ll revisit this post later to add to it.
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