Bitter

I have recently been unwillingly running in the same circles as a girl who is owned by a man who used to own me. I’ve been exposed to various comments from her about him, and it bring forth a wealth of emotions.

I don’t remember him any more. I don’t remember what he was like or what our relationship was like. I can’t remember how much I loved him or why I even did. I can only remember how much he hurt me.

I wonder if he has told her the whole truth about himself, the truth he seems to withhold or outright lie about to most people. I wonder if he’s told her about his insane wife, his low self esteem issues or his total disregard for the possibility of being wrong. I wonder if he’s told her that he slept with his father’s wife, his roleplay mother, or that if he gets angry with her, he will throw in her face ever private, hurtful thing she ever shared with him.

In truth, it’s absolutely none of my business. In truth, I still feel bitter, and I hate that. It’s wrong, and I know it is.

This is vastly different from the more recent relationship breakups I have had. I still feel hurt by Hanze, but I know without a doubt that he never meant to hurt me and that he loved me. I still love him, in spite of what happened. I won’t ever be with him, but that’s for the best. There has been real closure there, even if he’s been unwilling to admit to certain things. I suppose this is the difference. Although we aren’t together, he keeps me in his life because I matter to him.

In the other relationship, I was cast aside without a chance to explain. I was called a human toilet. The love and care I felt in that relationship were yanked away so very quickly that I had to question whether it ever existed at all. And I guess that’s why I’m still bitter.

So… any thoughts on how I can let that go?