I’ve been pretty quiet on this blog lately, because I can’t really figure out what to write.

Things ended with H, and I’m ok with that. I even know that things had to end. I don’t regret being with him, but I do know I stayed with him for too long.

Then I was with B. I’m still mulling over the whys of what happened. It ended badly, but I am still sure I did the right thing. Sometimes, no matter how much you care about someone, you just are not compatible, and it won’t work.

So I have been focusing on work. Finances are hard, as they are for most people. I spent a few weeks in May with no electricity. And now the phone is cut off again. I could curl up in a corner and cry, but that won’t get me anywhere. So instead, I keep placing one foot in front of the other, keeping on, moving forward.

And while doing that, I have been getting to know someone. It isn’t a Master/slave relationship, but the possibility for it to become one is there. I am going extremely slow, not relinquishing any control at all at this point.  I’m getting to know him as a person before I decide if I can submit to him.

Submission is going to be hard for me. I used to give it casually, like some whore who sleeps with any man with a cock. Now I don’t want to give it away to just anyone. I feel very stubborn about giving up control, and even when I submit, I know it’s something that I will control to struggle with. I won’t submit and automatically become a doormat. I will fight for control. I will fight to retain some shred of pride, some part of me.

It’s not that a sense of entitlement drives me. It’s more that a feeling of fear does. I am afraid to give all of me, because it will hurt more if things don’t work out. If I hold back a part of me, and things don’t work out, I can comfort myself with the fact that he didn’t have all of me. The failure of the relationship won’t be a reflection of me, because I never really invested in it.

This is not how I want to be, or how I want to behave. But I know that this is what the struggle will be. I just don’t want to be hurt again, and I am braced, listening for the thud as the other shoe drops to the ground.