I came to SL Gor completely naive, innocent, wanting to learn more about submission. That first year, I learned many wrong things about how to be a kajira. The concentration was on serving, with many online-isms sprinkled throughout. I had no clue how to roleplay, and only managed to learn a bit about what submission meant. 

That relationship ended badly. Months and months later, I finally realized that there wasn’t much in that relationship that was real. But at the time, I jumped immediately into another collar. I fell in love with my Master over time, and I gave myself more completely than I really ever thought possible. I never questioned whether or not I should trust him. I just did. 

That ended badly too, and I was so hurt. I didn’t seek another collar right away. I healed first. I spent some time thinking. Then I got involved with someone else, and the relationship evolved so quickly that there was little time to develop trust. It didn’t work out, and I will take the blame for it. 

One thing I noticed in that relationship is that I did very little serving. I didn’t try very hard to be pleasing. I gave almost nothing of myself. It bothered me, but I thought that would change in time. 

But now, I am finding that I don’t want to serve men. I don’t want to submit. I still want to please people, men in particular, but that slow burn is gone. Am I still submissive? 

I could walk away. Pursue vanilla relationships instead. But the thing is, I remember how right it felt to serve, to surrender control. 

I. Want. It. Back. 

How do I get it back?