Fitting lyrics, hmm?

I can see us holding hands

Walking on the beach, our toes in the sand

I can see us on the countryside

Sitting on the grass, laying side by side

You could be my baby, let me make you my baby

Will, you amaze me

Ain’t gotta do nothing crazy

See, all I want you to do is be my love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZsa7beK5pU

If someone were to ask me why I want a Master/slave relationship, I would tell that person to go watch the ABC show “Here Come the Newlyweds.”

On this show, newly married people compete for prizes and, hopefully, learn relationship skills in the process.  Some of the couples are great, but there are a few I really don’t like… because…

They don’t support each other. They don’t communicate. One partner will put the other one down. One person even mentioned divorce.

I don’t believe in that crap. People who are in love are supposed to support each other. Of course, when the other person is doing something wrong, that should be pointed out in a non-confrontational way. But couples should challange each other, push each other to become better people, and above all, support each other.

Anyone in any sort of relationship needs to communicate with each other. Yes, there will be some times when there are misunderstandings, or things aren’t said that really need to be said. But too many people keep too many thoughts and feelings tucked away.

Making the person you love feel “less than” is just.so.wrong. Seriously. When you love someone, you love them for a reason. So what is the point of being overly critical and negative about their qualities? If your significant other is so awful, why would you be with him/her in the first place? Or do you criticize so your spouse will think he can’t get anything better and won’t leave you?

Again, if the person you love does something he shouldn’t, that should definitely be pointed out. However, one goal of being married is to accept and support your partner. Every time you look at your significant other, love should shine from you. Your words should reflect your feelings. You say things to build him up, not tear him down.

And you never bring up divorce, even jokingly, unless you are absolutely sure there can be no reconciliation. Throwing the “D’ word around just gives your partner the impression that you can and might leave them. But when you are in a relationship, you need to instead show that you are strongly committed to making things work.

I know all of this makes me seem very naive, like a teen girl looking forward to her first marriage. But I’m not. I’ve been married. I know relationships can never be all that I described. But that should at least be the goal.

And in many Master/slave relationships, that goal seems to exist, even if it’s implicit. There is more support, more communication, less insults, more commitment.

And that’s what I am looking for in a relationship.

An employee of mine can tell when I’ve gotten sidetracked while we are chatting in instant messages. I start typing “ok” after almost everything he writes.

My friend G teases me when I type in “Ok,” replying with “The dreaded ok.” I tried to switch to typing “alright,” but that got the same response.

J didn’t mind the word ok, but H did. And the other night, Draken said he didn’t like it when I responded with just an “ok.”

I say ok for many reasons. In reality, if I were listening to Draken, I would look at him, nod my head and make some small sound of interest every now and then, like uh huh or mmhmm. But in Second Life, there aren’t those visual cus. So I say “ok” to indicate “I hear you.”

Sometimes it will mean “I heard you, and I am processing what you said and thinking of a reply.”

Other times it means “I really don’t have a reply for that” or “I can’t think of anything else to say.”

But sometimes it means “You can say what you want, I’ll pretend to agree and then just do things the way I want to anyway,” or even worse –  “I’m very angry with you right now, and I don’t wish to talk to you.”

The issue is, since none of these people can see my face or my body, there is no supporting information to indicate what that particular ok might mean. They are left to guess at my mood, wondering how I really feel. And this something not acceptable to a dominant man who likes being able to read women.

So I understand it. But damn it; I like saying ok.

I’ve been pretty quiet on this blog lately, because I can’t really figure out what to write.

Things ended with H, and I’m ok with that. I even know that things had to end. I don’t regret being with him, but I do know I stayed with him for too long.

Then I was with B. I’m still mulling over the whys of what happened. It ended badly, but I am still sure I did the right thing. Sometimes, no matter how much you care about someone, you just are not compatible, and it won’t work.

So I have been focusing on work. Finances are hard, as they are for most people. I spent a few weeks in May with no electricity. And now the phone is cut off again. I could curl up in a corner and cry, but that won’t get me anywhere. So instead, I keep placing one foot in front of the other, keeping on, moving forward.

And while doing that, I have been getting to know someone. It isn’t a Master/slave relationship, but the possibility for it to become one is there. I am going extremely slow, not relinquishing any control at all at this point.  I’m getting to know him as a person before I decide if I can submit to him.

Submission is going to be hard for me. I used to give it casually, like some whore who sleeps with any man with a cock. Now I don’t want to give it away to just anyone. I feel very stubborn about giving up control, and even when I submit, I know it’s something that I will control to struggle with. I won’t submit and automatically become a doormat. I will fight for control. I will fight to retain some shred of pride, some part of me.

It’s not that a sense of entitlement drives me. It’s more that a feeling of fear does. I am afraid to give all of me, because it will hurt more if things don’t work out. If I hold back a part of me, and things don’t work out, I can comfort myself with the fact that he didn’t have all of me. The failure of the relationship won’t be a reflection of me, because I never really invested in it.

This is not how I want to be, or how I want to behave. But I know that this is what the struggle will be. I just don’t want to be hurt again, and I am braced, listening for the thud as the other shoe drops to the ground.

My ex-husband cheated on his first wife. He cheated on me. He cheated on his long time time mistress named Sandy. He had two children by two other women while we were married. He pretty much screwed anything female. 

Now he is married to the woman he was cheating with when he was with Sandy. She thinks she has changed him, that he won’t cheat on her, and I just laugh. He uses the exact same excuses he used on me. He has to work, he stopped to get coffee and ran into someone he knows, his phone died. On and on and on. 

Why do women choose to get involved with a man, even knowing his history as a liar and a cheat?

Oh yes, people -can- change. But the first step to making a change is admitting that you need to, that you have messed up. If you are unwilling to admit to your mistakes, you are either prone to making the same ones, or you are just content to keep screwing people over. 

It always amazes me when women cry over being cheating on when they were with a man who has a long history of doing it. They scream and cry, “But I didn’t know!” Oh yes, you did. You just chose to ignore the truth. 

I won’t.

I came to SL Gor completely naive, innocent, wanting to learn more about submission. That first year, I learned many wrong things about how to be a kajira. The concentration was on serving, with many online-isms sprinkled throughout. I had no clue how to roleplay, and only managed to learn a bit about what submission meant. 

That relationship ended badly. Months and months later, I finally realized that there wasn’t much in that relationship that was real. But at the time, I jumped immediately into another collar. I fell in love with my Master over time, and I gave myself more completely than I really ever thought possible. I never questioned whether or not I should trust him. I just did. 

That ended badly too, and I was so hurt. I didn’t seek another collar right away. I healed first. I spent some time thinking. Then I got involved with someone else, and the relationship evolved so quickly that there was little time to develop trust. It didn’t work out, and I will take the blame for it. 

One thing I noticed in that relationship is that I did very little serving. I didn’t try very hard to be pleasing. I gave almost nothing of myself. It bothered me, but I thought that would change in time. 

But now, I am finding that I don’t want to serve men. I don’t want to submit. I still want to please people, men in particular, but that slow burn is gone. Am I still submissive? 

I could walk away. Pursue vanilla relationships instead. But the thing is, I remember how right it felt to serve, to surrender control. 

I. Want. It. Back. 

How do I get it back?

I’ll be gone for a bit. Draken knows how to get in touch with me, should you need to.

In roleplay, Deirdre had met this man who infuriated her. But she was also drawn to him, as he seemed so strong, so unmovable. She felt lust for him, and she started to feel the need to please him.

Time passed, and she secretly watched him. She noted the warm skin pressing out from under his shirt, the way his black hair fell across his forehead and the size of his callused hands. She, the former slave of Ubars and Admins, wanted a peasant.

She warred with herself. Should she forget this man? Should she submit to him? She cried over him, paced the floor at night pondering which path to take. If she submitted, she would surely be hurt again. She would surely endure that heart wrenching pain once more. She would lose her chance to have children.

No, she would have to forget this budding love, and unwilling desire. But.. couldn’t she still have him, if only for one night? Perhaps… perhaps, she could have his child.

She began to plan and take certain steps. She would arrange a fake companionship, take breeding wine, have the man kidnapped, rape him, become pregnant with his child, and then tell people her companion died.

But when meeting the Scribe who would forge the documents, he tricked her. He put his name in where the fake Companion’s name was supposed to go. Deirdre suddenly found herself companioned to a complete stranger.

She raged! How dare this man interfere?! But.. she could still carry on with her plan. Right? She could still kidnap the man she loved and try to become pregnant with his child. All she had to do was stall the new companion in the consummation of their companionship until she had raped her love and was sure that she was pregnant with his child. She could then fulfill her duties as a Companion and, shortly afterwards, inform the devious man of her pregnancy.

She would have her love’s child, while letting her Companion think it was his. She could have everything she wanted.. well, almost.

But then, a man who knew her as a slave in Port Kar and had always desired her happened to see her in Telnus when the scum of Kar was invited to partake of a feast in the city. He was shocked to find that she was now Free, and he made his own plans.

After the feast was over, he crept back. When Deirdre saw him, she ran and hid, but he was persistent.  He tracked her, cornered her. She pulled out her slingshot and fired a rock at the alarm, setting it off. He laughed, said he had no choice then and put her on her knees. She stalled, hoping someone would come…

Someone did, and it was her love. He would save her! But the evil man lifted his bow and prepared to fire on him. She lifted a hand and opened her mouth to beg… to BEG him not to hurt her love.

Her protestations were not needed, however. Her captor put his bow away and smiled as her love told him, “You can take her. She’s never been that nice to me anyway.”

Her heart was broken. The man she loved let her be stripped, collared and dragged naked through the streets of the city and then taken to Kar as a slave.

Deirdre found herself Free once more, and she hadn’t forgotten the way her love had betrayed her. She paced and cried once more over this man. She would have revenge.

But what to do? She could hire an assassin to kill him… But a part of her still loved him, and she didn’t want him dead. Plus, if he were dead, he couldn’t be tormented by what she had done to him. She could have his Companion and slaves kidnapped and sold away. But that would probably not bother him. He would simply replace them ((plus, I didn’t want to do anything that would hurt people OOCly)).

So Deirdre decided to have the man’s crops burned. He would be ruined financially. He would feel the pain of having his precious grapes shrivel and burn in flames.

She hired a man and sent him to do the deed. A funny thing about revenge though…. it doesn’t solve a thing. She is still hurt, still heartbroken and betrayed. And now, runners bring news that men are seeking her.

I thought my roleplay was logical. While I have had some who thanked me, as it sparked roleplay for them, I have also had some who expressed dislike of the direction of roleplay. And now OOC feelings are involved.

I had anticipated and hoped for a trial once someone finally caught up to Deirdre. But now, because of the injured feelings that have developed, I feel I have no choice but to let the roleplay die out and pretend it never happened.

I took this quiz over at Blogthings. I’m not sure I agree with the results as the questions didn’t seem all that deductive. But take the test yourself, and see what you think. My results:

You Are a Pundit Blogger!

Your blog is smart, insightful, and always a quality read. You’re up on the latest news, and you have an interesting spin on things. Of all the blogging types, you put the most thought and effort into your blog. Truly appreciated by many, surpassed by only a few

It’s amazing how my roleplay journey matches that of my real life quest to learn more about submission, and in turn, about me. 

I’m sure that is because the character of Dear was released the same as I was. When she donned the attire of Free Women, I did as well, if only psychologically speaking. I put up some really high walls and retreated to the safety of sharing my thoughts with only those I absolutely trusted. 

I morphed, from a slave girl to a Free Woman, even in reality. I could feel the changes, but I also welcomed them, as changes meant perhaps I wouldn’t be hurt again. 

The thing is… while safety is a nice thing, it’s not the best thing, and the life of a Free Woman is definitely not one suited for me. In donning the perspective of one who is free, I lost the freedom to be me, the imp who loves to laugh and help everyone. 

So lately, I have made more of an effort to be more open again, to share my thoughts and feelings. I am relying less on expressing myself in the sancuary of my secret blog and posting more here and in the forums. After all, a slave’s emotions are to be exploited by men.

Her feelings were easily hurt, a valuable property in a slave girl. Too, she could not control her feelings, another excellent property in a slave girl. Her feelings, vulnerable, deep, exploitable, in her expressions and on her face, betrayed her, exposing her to men, and their amusement, as helplessly as her stripped beauty. They made her more easily controlled, more a slave.